4 posts tagged “marriage”

What would make you change your name? I could imagine it would be a good option if you were in the witness protection program, estranged from your family, or looking for a really cool stage name that would get you noticed.

But what about marriage?

There's a storm in a teacup happening in The Age at the moment. An opinion writer wrote a piece questioning (or, in many people's eyes, insulting) women who chose to adopt their husbands surname. And then a follow up piece wondering what all the fuss was about, and rebutting a couple of criticisms.

So what do you think? Would you change your name to your partner's? (And this question is addressed to men as well as women.)

Personally I doubt that I would. Some women argue that it's 'easier'. They must be people in love with piles of paperwork, because I cannot imagine changing your driver's license, library card, voting details, electricity bills, etc. being very 'easy'.

Some argue that it's a sign of love. Well, doesn't the husband love his wife just as much? Why isn't it just as common for him to change his surname in that case?

There's also the argument of whose surname the children should get. Well, that's a fairly easy one to negotiate. Sometimes the couple will decide to give the kid the father's name. Other times it'll be the mothers name. Sometimes a girl will get the mum's name, a boy will get the dad's. Or you can give double barrel surnames like the Spanish and their former colonies do. I have one friend from Chile who has about ten surnames. She just goes by the last one of the bunch informally, but she would feel completely stripped of her identity if anyone suggested getting rid of the rest.

Some couples decide to combine their surnames. A Mr Bloom and a Ms Cooper could become Mr and Mrs Blooper for example (okay, bad example but I'm sure it works in some instances). Others invent whole new surnames for themselves. An argument I hear against this is that it would be hard for any descendants to trace their ancestry. Given the amount of paperwork required in changing one's name by deed poll I find that hard to believe. We're the most documented generation of all time and I doubt all those records are going to vanish overnight, except perhaps in a case of nuclear holocaust - in which case I think our descendants will have bigger worries than how to trace the name of their maternal great-great grandmother.

Some say that your maiden name is just your father's name anyway, so it's not really a blow for feminism to keep it. As the author of the opinion piece said, it's not her father's name it's her name. She was born with it after all. And following the same logic she wouldn't be taking on her husband's name, she would be adopting her father-in-law's name instead.

To me there's only one valid reason for changing your name to your partners (and this goes for men or women). If your partner's name is simply way cool.

Mr and Mrs Batman. Mr and Mrs Blood. Mr and Mrs Wolfslayer. Oh yeah, I'd be there!

So have you or would you change your name upon marriage? If so why? If not, why not? And what is the coolest surname you could possibly imagine?

I hate weddings. I always have done.

When most little girls dreamed of swanning around wearing a white froufy dress and being princess for a day, I dreamed of being an intergalactic space explorer saving the universe and battling the bad guys. When I was younger it wasn't so much that I felt hate toward weddings as I was just utterly oblivious. Weddings were those weird things that adults did to justify wearing expensive dresses while they got drunk. They had nothing to do with me, I had nothing to do with them, and everyone was happy that way.

Unfortunately when I became a teenager I could no longer escape the Nuptial Nightmare. I learned to play the flute in high school and, unfortunately for me, was quite good. I played the flute during communion at my church on Sundays and, inevitably, eventually I was asked to perform at a wedding. The wedding itself wasn't that bad. I did my bit, everyone else did their bit, and I got paid. The problem was that the bride and groom were too nice. To show their appreciation I was invited to the reception. I can see now that their invitation was purely for good manners, that I could have politely declined and no-one would have been offended and they would have saved the cost of the plate. As it was I thought I would be expected to go to the reception, so I went. I knew no-one there. I was 14 and painfully shy. I was stuck there until nearly midnight with complete strangers and completely sober (obviously, given my age). I think that was the biggest influence on my feelings about weddings. Pretty, but boring as hell with lots of horrible long speeches. I went on to perform at quite a few weddings after that, hating every minute but at least being sensible enough to decline any invitations to the reception unless I knew the bride or groom personally. Having seen so many weddings from behind the scenes over the years has stripped them of any possible glamour and their excitement. Rather than seeing princesses and happily-ever-afters all I see frustration and a level of organisation that rivals herding cats. Herding cats suffering from ADHD at that. In fact, herding cats suffering from ADHD, wearing a blind-fold, while trying to squeeze them all into tiny little tuxedos.

I've been to quite a few weddings of family and friends and don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed every one of them - once I settle down, have a few drinks and stop hyperventilating about the fact that I'm at a wedding. It's almost like a phobia. Imagine a great big spider holding a bouquet and that's how I see weddings.

And now, somehow, I've got myself engaged. Dear Sweet Darling (DSD) and I have been happily living in sin, and would be happy to continue to do so, but I've been told the Relationship Register is actively encouraging heterosexual couples to sign - hoping to give it more legitimacy among areas of the community that are opposed to anything that seems like gay marriage. So for us it's not a matter of declaring our love to the community (stuff the community, we know we're in love and that's all that matters), it's about making a political statement. And for Mr. Marxist and little Miss Opinionated, that's even better than a honeymoon.

Now we just have to figure out what the hell to do for our 'wedding'. So far I only have two demands: half a valium and no flute playing.

Steve Bracks, the Premier of Victoria, has announced his support for a relationship register. While not constituting a marriage or civil union, it would give gay couples access to most of the same rights enjoyed by heterosexuals - access to their partner's superannuation, and recognition of being next of kin for medical issues and in the case of their partner's death. Several councils already have relationship registers operating, including Melbourne, but Mr. Bracks intends on extending it to the whole of Victoria by the end of the year.

I think this is a great step forward.

Many of my friends are gay and I've always felt angry that they don't get the same rights I do just because of their sexual preference. A lesbian couple I know are planning on having children, but hanging over them is the knowledge that only the partner who gives birth can be acknowledged legally as the baby's mother. My sister has a couple of friends who are constantly moving between countries because neither of their governments recognise same sex relationships. With a straight couple it would just be a matter of getting engaged and applying for a visa. The same thing can't happen if you're gay, so each one 'visits' the other for as long as a tourist visa allows, then they go through the process all over again in the other country.

I feel so strongly about this I informed my partner that we were not getting married until our friends could get married. Otherwise it would just be taking advantage of Jim Crow laws that discriminate against a section of society while giving others special privileges. I wouldn't patronise a shop that had a sign saying 'no gays' outside, so why would I enter an institution that does the same thing?

But now they have the relationship register. And, I've found out, it is welcoming straight as well as gay couples to sign it. I like this idea. I've always felt uncomfortable about the stance of some groups that civil unions should be only for gay people, to give them their own set of symbols and ceremonies, and leave marriage to straight people. I don't want to be lumped in with the Christian Fundamentalists who have seized the term 'marriage' for themselves. I feel I have more in common with gay people than them. I much prefer an inclusive ceremony rather than one that perpetuates old divisions. Maybe I'm being selfish, not wanting to feel left out even though gay couples have had to feel that way all their lives. I just don't want to be part of something that will essentially celebrate 'straightness'. I was born heterosexual, like I was born caucasian and right-handed; it's just something I am, not something I celebrate. I'd rather celebrate love which, as far as I'm concerned, is the same no matter what your sexual orientation is. So I'm very happy about the relationship register. Because now my partner and I can (eventually) officially sanction our relationship.

Like a wedding.

A fucking wedding.

And that's when I realised what I'd got myself in for.
 
To be continued.

Design Dyke has posted an excellent entry linking to a story explaining why marriage should be restricted to normal people.

I was going to just link to Design Dyke's post, but thought I'd better include the direct link to the story here for lazy people. It's too damn good an article to have people miss just because they can't be bothered clicking down two links!

Thanks so much for posting this, Design Dyke. You are a goddess!